Health, God, and Lil' Mamaw

You know, my brother said something to me today that made perfect sense after I finally finished with a 20 minute blubbering ball session on his shoulder.
I went to the spine surgeon today, and as nice as he was he handed me really not so pleasant news. He informed me that they could go in and "remove / scrape" the arthritis from my spine and put in some rods and pins, and providing my body did not reject them they could then do a second surgery to repair my bulging discs. That would repair only about 1/3 of the problem with my spine/back. The fun news was however that the surgery would never take place because even if he would take my case there was probably not an Anesthesiologist that would. He was so sweet, and could not say I would not make it through the surgery so he put it like this. On a scale of one to ten being the highest rate of success through the surgery, I was looking at a one. I cried, and he got teared up. I explained I had hoped for any new procedure that would help me get off of disability. He explained that due to my other illnesses/diseases that surgery was just still not an option for me. He explained also, which I thought was great information, that anytime they do back/spine surgery they legally can not give any kind of blood thinners. I have a disease that I must have blood thinners. I could not go for several days without my medication. I would clot up and have another stroke.
The reason I started blubbering was my Lil' Mamaw was crippled with arthritis. It eventually took her life. I just do not want to live my life like that. I know how she hurt. How her body would not, and could not move, but her mind wanted to. She was a wonderful person and I miss her so much. I watched arthritis completely cripple her and suck the joy right out of her life, then take her life. I don't want to be that person, and it scares me and makes me angry with God. Yes God knows I am angry with Him. He and I talk about it. In fact I am sure Lil' Mamaw is up there trying to tell him how to handle things with my family. But anyway, when I was crying to Billy he said something so seriouse but it stuck me with humor. He said, " With the way Mamaw was ate up with arthritis you had to wonder in the gene pool what was going to happen or who would get it, I am so sorry it was you.". Now isn't that sweet. I love my brother. I love the way he loves me and cares about not only my soul but my physical health.
By the way:
I just want to say that out of all my experiences of using parkland, this was a WONDERFUL experience. This doctor educated me on the reasons why we were making the choices we were regarding my health. He was quick to come in and see me. The room and facility were in excellent shape and condition (better than I have seen at Baylor). I know not all of my Parkland experiences are great, but GOOD JOB to the Spine Center at Simmons Building at Parkland.
and.....
I miss you and love you Mamaw.